


Hold Me Without Touch

by geckoholic



Series: kink bingo fills [14]
Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst and Porn, Bottom Ash Lynx, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Time, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Topping from the Bottom, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-19
Updated: 2019-03-19
Packaged: 2019-11-24 21:38:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18170189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/geckoholic/pseuds/geckoholic
Summary: Ash gives him a sad, lopsided smile. “I want to forget,” he says, urgent, pleading. “Let me pretend, for tonight, that there was never anyone else. Just the two of us, you and me. No past, no baggage.”





	Hold Me Without Touch

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Myka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myka/gifts).



> An angsty first time, as requested. ;) Written for the #bfsmutweek and also filling the _first time_ square on my seasonofkink card, which is by now deep, deep into amnesty, but hey. Always take an excuse for more porn, right?
> 
> Not beta'd because once in a while you gotta live dangerously, so all remaining mistakes are most definitely mine.
> 
> Title is from "Gravity" by Sara Bareilles.

Eiji can hear Ash move around in the dark. Their sleeping mats are placed a mere hand's width apart, and over the weeks they've shared bedrooms Eiji developed something like a second sense for him. He wakes when Ash does, like an instinct, like something deep within him can't find rest when he knows Ash is driven out of bed by his nightmares. Ash doesn't scream in his sleep, rarely ever cries, but he gets restless once he's awake. 

And most of the time, Eiji only lies there in the dark. He waits, ready to offer help if Ash can ever bring himself to ask. But Ash never does. He's ashamed, Eiji knows. Not so much of what happened to him, but of the effect it continues to have. He all but said that he thinks he bartered away the right to be upset for himself when he started killing. So far, Eiji hasn't found the right words to convince him otherwise. 

Clothes rustle next to him, and Eiji decides this is one of the rare nights where he speaks up, makes himself known. He whispers Ash's name into the dark, and for a moment, the rustling stops. 

“I'd say I didn't want to wake you,” Ash murmurs back, and Eiji can hear the cheap, plasticky fabric of Ash's sleeping mat scuff against the bare ground as Ash stands. “But for once, that'd be a lie.” 

Ash walks over, and Eiji startles when Ash draws back the thin blanket covering him. He says Ash's name again, and this time it's a question. Ash shushes him. He crawls underneath Eiji's blanket with him, and for a moment Eiji is flooded with warmth and affection, elated that his unspoken offer has finally been accepted. He shuffles around to make room and lets Ash arrange himself against him, pressed up close. He even ventures to rest his arm on Ash's hip, hopes the gesture will telegraph that touch and comfort are available, but it's Ash's call whether or not he wants to make use of them. 

Then he notices that Ash is naked. 

There's bare skin underneath his palm, right where Ash's underwear ought to be. Eiji inhales, sharply, and Ash chuckles. 

“I have a favor to ask,” Ash whispers. The shape of the words reverberates against Eiji’s skin. He can feel Ash's breath against the underside of his jaw. “Please don't say no.” 

All the warmth Eiji was feeling only moments ago is gone, replaced with ice water. He knows where this is heading. He knows what Ash is going to ask of him. What he doesn't know is which answer would be more disastrous – saying yes, or rejecting him. 

“Why?” Eiji asks. “Why now? Why does it have to be tonight?”

It's not quite a yes, not yet, but they both know it's not a no either. 

“Max and I went to see an old acquaintance today,” Ash starts, and Eiji knows that tone of voice. Distant, like he's reciting a sad tale from someone else's life and not retelling something that happened to _him_. “He raped me, in the early days. So many times. Took pictures of it too.” 

Eiji lays there, frozen. He wants to haul Ash into his arms and never let him go, but he doesn't dare. “I'm sorry.” 

“No.” Ash shakes his head emphatically. “No, that's not what I... Eiji.” He huffs in frustration. “I can still hear him laugh, making filthy jokes while he was inside me, while all I could think about was how much it hurt. I can still see him on top of me, blurred by my tears, see him grinning like mad. I can still feel the weight of his fat ass as he held me down. I can still _feel him_. And I don't want to.” He reaches for Eiji's hand, interlaces their fingers, and slowly drags it between his own legs – past his balls, down his taint, until Eiji's fingertips brush over the furled skin of his hole. “Eiji. I want to feel _you_.” 

It's overwhelming, a shock to Eiji's system. They've kissed. They've talked about more, and Eiji made it clear he's willing to wait, give Ash all the time in the world to heal from his experiences. He thought of what it’d be like to feel Ash's naked skin against his own, he dreamed about sinking into him and gently moving inside him, making him feel so, _so_ good. He touched himself to the idea of it being Ash's hand that got him off. But this is different – too fast, too sudden, all wrong. 

As if he’s guessing Eiji’s train of thought, Ash gives him a sad, lopsided smile. “I want to forget,” he says, urgent, pleading. “Let me pretend, for tonight, that there was never anyone else. Just the two of us, you and me. No past, no baggage.” 

The way he says it gets to Eiji more than the words. Ash doesn’t plead. He doesn’t beg, not for anything. Except he does, right now he’s begging Eiji for a favor, for help, for one night where he isn’t ruled by trauma and bad memories. Eiji’s sense of realism is still functioning enough to recognize that, no matter what Ash says, years of rape and abuse can’t be undone in one night. But this is Ash’s decision. It’s his wish. For most of his life, other people have treated his body like a commodity. Tonight, however, Ash is the one deciding to give himself away. And that has to mean something. 

Eiji clears his throat and manages one word. “Okay.” 

The smile playing around Ash’s lips this time seems a good deal more honest. Genuine. Relieved, maybe. “Thank you, Eiji.” 

He moves away for a moment and returns with a condom wrapper and few sachets of lube that he presses into Eiji’s hand; Eiji doesn’t stop to wonder where he found those, or when. He draws the blanket back so it pools around their knees and straddles Eiji, his legs bracketing Eiji’s body, his hands planted on both sides of Eij’s head, and he leans in to press an almost chaste kiss to Eiji’s cheek. Eiji can’t help himself – he giggles, swatting at Ash’s arm. Ash smiles and seals his mouth to Eiji’s for a real kiss. It’s slow and gentle and somewhat exploratory, and this is familiar. They’ve done this before. This is safe, and Eiji relaxes a little more the longer the kiss lasts. 

Ash leans away, still smiling. It looks a bit strained, but otherwise, still genuine. “Good?” 

Eiji nods. He takes a deep breath and ventures to place his hands on Ash’s thighs, feeling a rising need to touch him back. The knowledge that it’s _Ash_ kneeling over him _naked_ is slowly making its way to Eiji’s lizard brain and heat is starting to pool low in his belly. His cock is taking an interest as well, stirring in the confines of his boxers. A flash of guilt wants to wash over him, but he reminds himself that there’s no reason. It’s okay. Ash initiated this. He _wants_ it. 

What Eiji wants is to feel Ash skin on skin, the thin fabric of his shirt and boxers suddenly a cage and rough like sandpaper to his hyped-up, overwhelmed senses. 

“Ash,” he says, tugging at his own shirt sleeve by the way of an explanation. “Can I...” 

“Sure,” Ash replies. “Of course.” He leans back and gives Eiji room to sit up a bit and pull the shirt off over his head, then helps him wriggle out of the boxers. After both have been thrown to the side, Ash reaches behind himself, fingertips sliding over the head of Eiji’s hardening cock, through the precome collecting at the slit. 

For a moment, there’s something sinister in his expression – not fear, exactly, more like stoic resignation, the face of someone who long since vowed not to break under the things that are done to him, that he’s put through. But it’s gone within the blink of an eye, replaced by a smile that’s starting to look a little bit like an armor. Eiji revels in the assumption that there’s almost no one else Ash would smile this way for, a painful thought but also, weirdly, filling him with pride, and also something else entirely. Something softer. Something he’d call love, if he didn’t fear that’d make Ash all the more intent on whisking him off to safety. 

Ash tsks, smirking. He wraps his hand around Eiji and starts stroking and Eiji loses higher brain function, moans and automatically pushes up into the tight circle of Ash’s hand. The world narrows down to this moment, to Ash, to rhythm and slight pressure, and this could be enough. For Eiji, they wouldn’t have to do anything more. Another first that he’s giving to Ash, like the kiss, and this time it’s just for them, not a ploy, not strategic, no hidden purpose. 

Much too soon, Ash stops. He makes a beckoning motion with his other hand and it takes Eiji the better part of a minute to understand that he’s asking for lube and condom. Eiji’s heart is beating in his throat. 

He’s never done this before. Never had someone else touch him so intimately, never felt himself sink into someone else’s body, never shared that rush of pleasure with another person. He won’t last. He won’t be able to make it good for Ash. He – 

“Shh, hey,” Ash shushes him. “Don’t overthink it. I know what to do. You just gotta lay back and let me make you feel _so good_.” Just as soon as the words are out, Ash gasps as if in surprise, in bitter recognition. They sound studied, like they’ve been repeated so often it’s automatic at this point, a line in a stage play. They weren’t real then, said to adult men who had to be coaxed into getting what they paid for, admitting to themselves that they were really about to fuck an underage boy. Eiji wriggles away, but Ash shakes his head, smiles again. “No, don’t worry. It’s okay. I’m okay.” 

The words are oddly distant, and Eiji can’t decide whether they’re meant to reassure him, or reassure Ash himself. Either way, Ash’s hand opens and closes again, repeating the gesture. He tilts an eyebrow. For a moment Eiji stares at him wide-eyed, once more weighing his second thoughts against what Ash asked of him, before he fishes for the condom wrapper and one or two of the sachets so he can give them to Ash, who rips one of the sachets open and pours the contents over his fingers. 

He reaches behind himself, pauses. “Do you want to do it?” 

Eiji does, but also doesn’t. With no experience, he’s afraid he’ll hurt Ash. That he’ll do it wrong. That he’ll do it too fast. That he wouldn’t notice in time when the tide turns on them after all and Ash wants to stop. He shakes his head. “No. You know what you need.” 

The hint of a nod, and Ash gets to work. He keeps a perfectly straight face throughout, displaying neither pleasure nor pain. Eiji swallows hard. Tries to convince himself that it’s a show of trust, that Ash feels like he doesn’t have to pretend, but it also makes _Eiji_ feel hollow. Ash’s cock remains mostly flaccid, too, doesn’t fill further, doesn’t so much as twitch. He doesn’t look like he’s enjoying himself in the least, and isn’t that the point? 

Then again, maybe it isn’t. Maybe arousal or an orgasm or it being _good_ doesn’t matter nearly as much as it being his choice. 

Ash says Eiji’s name, ripping him from his thoughts. Glances down at Eiji’s cock, which in turn has gone halfway soft. “You okay?” 

A hysterical laugh wants to rip itself out of Eiji’s throat, as Ash asking _him_ that question. But whether Eiji’s alright with it or not, Eiji’s safety and comfort have been Ash’s priority pretty much from the start. Of course this wouldn’t be any different. He raises one hand from where he still had them resting on Ash’s hip and takes hold of himself. Strokes once, twice. Bans all discomfort and unease from his thoughts so, for once, he can be what Ash needs. He doesn’t stop until he’s back to full arousal, and then cocks his head at the condom wrapper laying on the ground. 

Ash picks it up and rips it open, settles back on Eji’s thighs, starts to roll it on. Halts when Eiji squirms away from the unfamiliar sensation of wet latex clinging to the head of his cock. Eiji smiles, gamely, not nearly as good an actor. “It’s not bad. Just new.” 

“You wouldn’t believe how many times guys cited latex allergies hoping they could raw me without paying extra,” he says, his tone bitter, and then bites his lip as if wishing he could take back the words. He’s so often quick to fire off a reference to what he’s been through, Eiji noticed. Using it as a weapon, to offend or to test, daring people to comment the wrong way. It’s a defense mechanism. “Sorry. I... sorry.” 

Eiji doesn’t know what to say. Despite knowing where they come from the words hurt, make him ache on Ash’s behalf for the umpteenth time, but he knows that Ash doesn’t want sympathy. Understanding, yes, maybe. Never anything that could be mistaken for pity. He smiles and wriggles his hips, which makes his dick bounce in Ash’s light grip. Ash smiles back and finishes his task, then shifts forward a little, kneeling a little higher, repositioning himself so he’s hovering directly over Eiji’s erection. 

It’s happening. They’re doing this. Eiji holds his breath as Ash sinks down on him, and even he notices it’s too fast. Ash’s body opens for him easily; too easily, a distant part of Eiji’s mind surmises, but he can’t think about that, and anyway, his own body reacts before his mind has a chance to register protest. Instinct has him thrusting up into the tight heat that surrounds him all of a sudden, and stars dance in his vision with the unfamiliar, boundless pleasure of it all. He really won’t last. He doesn’t have a clue how to try and stave off the flood of need and urgency that rushes through him. 

Ash looks down at him with more affection than Eiji thinks he deserves, especially now, and holds out his hands. The gesture confuses Eiji, for a moment, but he reaches out because the idea of rejecting Ash when he seeks out contact seems impossible, unthinkable, and he catches on as Ash threads their fingers together and shifts once more, leaning forward and putting some of his weight on Eiji to gain a bit more leverage. 

And then he starts to move. Lifts himself off Eiji’s cock and then takes him in all the way again. Repeats that, faster, setting a rhythm. 

It steals Eiji’s breath away. He clings to Ash’s hands, quite possibly squeezing them too tightly, and wonders whether he’s supposed to _do_ something. Touch Ash. Jerk him off. Reciprocate somehow. Not like he could, in this position, without disentangling their hands and taking away the support Ash asked him to give. He considers thrusting up into him again, but doesn’t know whether that would be welcomed. And so he keeps still, lets Ash move as he pleases, only wriggles his hips now and then to feel like he’s participating in some way, and it’s due to one of those maneuvers that he gets a breathless, surprised little noise out of Ash. 

There’s something like shock on Ash’s face. He slows, lower lip pulled between his teeth, and his adam’s apple bobs as he swallows hard. The next time he rises and slams back down it isn’t quite as frantic, more pointed, like he’s aiming to get the same angle. And it quite obviously works; Ash’s head falls back, exposing the long elegant line of his throat. It changes the arch of his body, makes him even more beautiful. Lithe muscles tense as he moves, fucking himself on Eiji’s cock, for once daring to be selfish when it comes to the two of them. Eiji desperately wishes for his camera, for a way to freeze this moment and keep it forever. Ash, unbound, letting go, _taking_. He looks down between them and finds Ash’s dick filling up a bit, and he ventures to snap his hips up to meet him. He’s rewarded with another spark of pleasure being mirrored on Ash’s face, his eyes falling closed, moving carefully as if to chase the sensation. Eiji moves with him, using Ash’s reactions as his guide. 

Ash opens his eyes slowly. There’s a soft smile on his lips. “You’re a natural. Who knew?” 

Eiji would argue that he’s hardly doing anything, but just then Ash clenches around him, and a heavy moan replaces any words he could have cobbled together. He’s close, his body utterly defenseless against the rising tide of his orgasm, all the new experiences he doesn’t yet know how to handle. He wants nothing more than to keep himself at bay, give Ash more of this, let him take take _take_ , but it’s no use. One more desperate thrust and he’s coming, lips pressed together to keep from crying out and alerting the whole gang as to what it is they’re doing here. 

Meanwhile, Ash is breathing hard, staring down, wide-eyed, at where they’re joined. He shakes his head as if to get rid of a bad thought, and Eiji’s heart sinks. The afterglow that had been spreading warmly throughout his body recedes at once, turning cold. 

Ash clutches his hands tight enough to hurt. Seems to notice and lets go, lifting himself off Eiji’s spent cock. Eiji winces when Ash removes the condom. He glances at Ash’s crotch, whose dick has once more gone completely flaccid. “Should I – “ he starts, but Ash cuts him off. 

“Maybe another time,” he says, too quiet, and his voice sounds flat. The dim light in the room makes him look deathly pale. Then, added in a barely audible whisper, he adds, “I’m sorry.” 

“What for?” Eiji asks, cocking his head. He genuinely doesn’t know, doesn’t understand. 

“This was your first time, right?” Ash asks, avoiding Eiji’s gaze. He’s kneeling on the ground, hands on his thighs, fingernails digging into his own skin. “And I ruined it. I stole it, again, like I did with your first kiss. I’m selfish, and I’m sorry.” 

Eiji shakes his head. “You did no such thing. And you aren’t...” He has to trail off, take a breath, push down the futile anger at everything that conspired to create Ash’s harsh fate. Made him mistrustful of the slightest glimpses at pleasure or happiness and taught him that they’re fleeting, always followed by another hurt. “You aren’t selfish. You took nothing I wasn’t ready to give.” He smiles, reaches out to tip Ash’s head up, make their eyes meet. “I’m glad it was you. I wanted it to be with you, my first time.” 

He can tell the words don’t break through the haze of wherever Ash went, just now. His gaze is unfocused. He’s looking at Eiji, but doesn’t seem to _see_ him. 

Eiji reaches out to take Ash’s hand again, gently, and tries to ignore the minute flinch Ash gives at the contact. He tugs and guides Ash to lie down, anticipating resistance and growing all the more concerned by the fact that he’s finding none. It’s a rather hard and sudden crash, if not altogether unexpected. Eiji should have seen this coming; sex is much too loaded with bad memories for Ash. It would have been foolish to hope they’d manage to work around that on what Eiji assumes was his very first consensual encounter. 

Trembling almost imperceptibly, Ash lets himself be held. He sniffles into Eiji’s shoulder, his breathing ragged, but he doesn’t cry. It’s not that kind of shock; it’s not that kind of sad. 

Eiji draws the blanket over them and quietly, secretly, he cries for them both.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [tumblr](http://lostemotion.tumblr.com) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/spacenerdz).


End file.
